She's not a barbie girl in a vampires world

Title - Killer Barbies (aka Killer Barbys & Vampire Killer Barbys)
Language - English Dub (original Spanish)
Genre - horror, Vampire

Characters:

Mario - Band member

Flavia - Band Member

Rafa - Band Member

Silvia - Band Member lead singer

Billy - Band Member

Baltasar -  mad Monk

Arkan - the carer/lover of Condesa

Condesa - an ancient countess/singer

Pipa - A Dwarf

Pipo - A Dwarf

The Killer Barbies are a Spanish Rock Punk band and this was their first film.  As far as i can tell there is one other.

At first Killer Barbies struck me as quite a generic vampire/slasher film in most.  We have a group of young adults, in this case the members of the Killer Barbies, who are traveling  somewhere.  They go down the wrong road which is a dirt track and then come off the road, damaging their van.  They then meet a strange man who invites them to spend the night in his castle which is, of course inhabited by a vampire.  The group split up, some go to the castle and two stay behind in the van.  It’s so standard that i could even tell you who first people were to get killed and, if you’d seen any other slasher films it wouldn't be a spoiler.  I won’t,  just in case it’s your first horror film.

It’s this style that does lead to some of the strangeness of the film though.  They are obviously trying for the gothic feel of a vampire film but some things are slightly off.  The castle is not what you’d assume.  Instead of a gothic grey stoned building with towers and a portcullis we have a square whitish building which is referred to in the film as looking like a convent or prison.  Keeping with the gothic nature of the film we are told that the castle/convent is haunted by a mad monk whose origin story sounded like something take from ‘a nightmare on elm street’ but the problem was it was hard to tell which character was meant to be the monk, the way he told the tale I first thought it was Arkan but i think it was supposed to be Baltasar.

Some of the aspects of the house also seemed a bit unnecessary, for instance there is a ‘Chess Room’, a room with a black & white tiled floor and a couple of chess pieces and for some reason a crib with a creepy baby doll in it. I know they are probably trying to set a creepy scene but the room just seems out of place in the castle and the film.

The characters are an interesting mix.  First off we have the killer Barbie’s (or Killer Barbys depending on what version of the film you have) they are a group of late teens (silvia gives her age as 19) who would fit in with any slasher.

Then there is Arkan when i first saw him I assumed he was our Van- Helsing type but no he’s the one who feeds the vampire.  Which makes Balthasar seem out of place, he is our Igor/Renfield or slasher and he would be better served without Arkan who seems to be there to for fill a romantic roll that never actually appears.  Then we have Pipa & Pipo to twin (I think) dwarfs who are Balthasar’s assistance and possibly meant as comic relief.

The we have Condesa our vampire.  It’s never said that she is undead and she is never actually referred to as a vampire.  She is more of an Elisabeth Bathory character who needs blood to stay young although for some one who claims to be  over a hundred years old she does seem to lack any sense of self preservation.

If you add all of this to film that doesn't seem to know if it’s night or day,  a smoke machine that doesn’t seem powerful enough to reach all of the sets, a film that had to change the spelling in its title due a certain toy manufacturer complaining and dubbing the just doesn't seem right (in the version i had.  The film should have been Spanish and I could only get a dubbed version) and you would expect a mess but, in true B movie style Killer Barbies works. As you’d expect in slasher/vampire film the gore and dead body effects are good, the story makes enough sense, the sex fits the narrative (& there's quite a bit) and the acting to just the right side of naff and over the top.  This is all helped along by half decent characters, the female leads are not the normal helpless type that are there just to scream and die, although one does end up running through the woods in nothing except silver knee high boots.

If you have a spare couple of hours and want something that’s not too taxing give give Killer Barbies a watch but only if you're not offended by nudity, both male and female.

Razor Blade Smile

Title - Razor blade smile
Language - English
Genre - Vampire, Action

A group of Goths sit in the ‘Transylvania’ night club discussing vampires, mainly would a vampire work and if so what would their perfect job be.  Most of the table laugh when Lilith Silver suggests that they would make a good hit man.  What the rest of the table don’t know is that Lilith is speaking from experience as she is both a vampire and a hit man know as the angel of death.

Lilith starts of the film by explaining that, just like normal humans Vampires get bored and so they have to find ways of   keeping themselves entertained.  To this end Lilith has become a hit man, a job that not only necessities working in the dark but also helps find victims to feed off.  Lilith’s current assignments are all members of a secretive cult and, as part of the hit she must also collect the ring that they all wear but, due to unexpected security she ends up leaving it behind on her first hit of the film.

Unknown to Lilith the head of the cult, Sethane Blake, is the man who turned Lilith into a vampire in the first place.  Sethane knows that there is a hit man targeting his organisation and so he sends Detective inspector Price to investigate, Price being a member of Sethane’s organisation. As Price investigates the hits he begins to suspect that a vampire is involved but, of course no one believes him.

Lilith begins to look into the cult but things come to a head when her client kidnaps her handler, Platinum because he is not happy that she missed the ring on one of the hits.  Lilith is then in a race to save Platinum life whilst avoiding Inspector Price.

I found Razor blade Smile a bit disappointed.  The story has potential but the dialogue is  is not that good at times it’s trying to be too gritty and just results in way too much swearing. As the film progresses Lilith goes from spouting really naff puns to telling us the rules of being a vampire. It seems slightly unnecessary to have Lilith tell us the rules as they are normally being played out on screen at the same time.  A lot of the dialogue also seem slightly forced.

There seems to be an attempt in the first half of the film to include as much sex as possible without turning it into porn.  Some of it is an attempt of character building between Lilith & Platinum but it seems to distract more than build as they are trying to show that Lilith cares for him.  Other sex scenes are meant to show the relationship between the vampire feeding and pleasure; we even have Lilith giving a voice over to tell us this.  I have nothing against sex in movies and it is used in other vampire movies to better effect but in razor blade smile it does just seem to be an excuse for a bit of titillation.

As the film progresses the story does start to fill out but only starts to deliver on its promise on the last few scenes with the relationship between Lilith & Sethane being one of the best plot devices.

At times there is a feeling that Razor blade smile is trying to be a bit of an art film with the flashbacks to Liliths past being shot in black and white with splashes of colour.

I’m not sure if i would recommend razor blade smile as good vampire film, i remember enjoying it more when i was younger but now it just seems full of distractions from the story      

Not of this earth

Title - Not of this earth
Language - English
Genre - Sci-Fi, Vampire

We start with a spaceship flying through space (as a spaceship does).  Then we cut to earth and a couple who are getting intimate in a car.  Something explodes or crashes off screen which interrupts the couple just long enough for the woman to ask ‘what was that’ and then they get back to it.  A man in sunglasses who is carrying a silver suit case walks from the direction of the explosion up to the car he kills the couple by looking at them and then attaches a device to the woman which drains the blood from her.

Then we cut to the opening credits (Do films still have these, if they do they don’t have the same impact) whilst the credits are on we get scenes of various monsters and aliens attacking humans, mainly females.

The film starts properly.  Our man in the sun glasses goes into a hospital for a blood transfusion but won't submit to a blood test to see what type he is.  After the doctor refuses to give him his test he finally allows it but hypnotizes the doctor  into not telling anyone about the results.

Whilst at the hospital the man (Mr Johnson) convinces Nadine, one of the nurses to work for him, as he will need regular transfusions.  Nadine moves in with Mr Johnson and his other helper, Jeremy but it’s not long until she realises that there is something not quite right with her new employer.

Not of this earth is bad, in a good B movie way.  Mr Johnson is a cold emotionless Vulcan like alien vampire who doesn't quite get some of the things that humans do and who occasion goes into dramatic, over the top acting that is reminiscent of a bad Dracula.

Jeremy, the man Mr Johnson has hired as his assistant starts out as a sleazy, likable rogue who is always perving over Nadine but, somewhere along the way we start to like him as he teams up with Nadine to find out Mr Johnsons secrets.

Nadine comes across as likeable most of the time but, when she is with Jeremy she turns really annoying and sarcastic.

There are some parts of ‘Not of this earth’ that puzzle me. Both Mr Johnson’s confusion with some of his interactions with humans & Dr Rochelle’s actions when asked about Mr Johnson seem to be an attempt to bring more humour into the film but I’m not entirely sure  if it is intentional, Dr Rochelle comes across in an almost farcical way that does not fit in with the rest of the film and in some scenes even seems to break the flow of the story (the scene in the restaurant is prominent in my mind) where as Mr Johnson's confusion just seems a bit stilted and weird.

There also seems to be an attempt to get as many topples women on screen as possible.  now i have no problem with breast, in fact I’m quite a fan but you would think that there would be at least a few women who visit Mr Johnson or who live in the area who walk around in clothes that don’t just come open  as soon as they meet an alien vampire.  I mean he doesn't even have to use his hypnosis to get these people to strip.

If you are a fan of ok acting, stilted dialogue and Boobs then give ‘not of this earth’ a watch hey at least it has an attempt at a plot.

I bought a vampire motorcycle

Title - I bought a vampire motorcycle
Language - English
Genre - Horror, comedy

Nick Oddy (noddy to his friends) has just bought a new, slightly damaged motorcycle & when he gets it home it doesn’t want to start and some has nicked the petrol cap, also the fuel tank appears to be covered in Tomato ketchup.  The Next morning Noddy goes to fix the bike and finds that the petrol cap is back on.  Whilst at work he gets a phone call to go to his friend’s house and when he gets there he finds that his friend has been killed.

After fixing the bike Noddy takes it out for a test run, everything is going fine until he passes a group of Hells Angels.  As he passes them bike seems to take on a life of it’s own and runs them off the road.  As time goes on the bike starts have odd behaviour, it doesn’t always start or it stops suddenly, it seems to move on its own and, if it’s parked on the street overnight it’s found in the garage the next morning.  The problems get really bad when the bike drives away from the FU-King Chinese takeaway, taking Kim, Noddys girlfriend with it.  After throwing Kim off the bike goes on a rampage leaving Noddy to try to find a way of stopping it.

I bought a Vampire motorcycle is a good little comedy horror that has a clever monster which has a fun and thought through origin which is a concept that is sometimes missing from some low budget horror movies and the story has a good progression.  We are not thrown straight into any violence but the sense of threat builds up as the story progresses and even though we know from the film’s title and from the first scene that the bike is going to be the monster we are never sure how it is going to manifest until it happens.

As well as having a good story vampire motorcycle manages to pay homage to a couple of the classic horror movies, there are dream sequences that are slightly reminiscent of ‘An American Werewolf in London’ and the scenes where priest sets up the protection in the hospital and the nurse takes it back down are taken from Dracula.

Vampire Motorcycle has a very British feel to it (it was filmed in Birmingham and has a British cast) with a good mix of humour and gore with a good number of decapitations, people getting cut in half and arrows up the bum mixed with on screen  gags, throw away one liners and a talking Poo.

I would recommend I bought a vampire motorcycle to anyone who likes movies that don’t take themselves too seriously & to people who like vampire movies.

Dusk till dawn the series eps 1&2

Title - From Dusk Till Dawn (TV Series)
Language - English
Genre - vampire, gangster, supernatural

At the time of writing we are only 2 episodes in to the new ‘From Dusk till dawn’ series. As a fan of the three films (yes even the terrible ‘Texas Blood Money) thought I’d give a review of my first impressions.  Warning this will contain spoilers.

The ‘From Dusk till Dawn’ starts with a woman being thrown into a pit of snakes in what looks like an Aztec ceremony by her looks and other events further on in the series it looks like this is going to be the ’Santanico Pandemonium’ character fro the first movie.  The episode then jumps to modern times and runs with the same story as the first film.  We join the Gecko brothers as they are on the run from a bank job that resulted in the death of Texas rangers, they pull in to a Liquor store for a toilet stop and, as anyone who has seen the film knows, things go downhill from there.  The bulk of the first episode is set in the liquor store where the brothers stop off for the toilet break at the same time as a local sheriff and his partner also stop off for the same reason.  The series breaks off from the film by having the Sheriff and his partner whereas in the film there is only the sheriff. The sheriffs partner is outside the store for most of the episode which is how the plot can follow almost the same story as the film.

For anyone who has not seen the film, the Gecko Brothers are in the liquor store to get supplies as they are heading to the Mexico border so that they will be safe from the American police, whilst they are in there a local sheriff enters, as he often does to use the restroom, he is unaware that the Geckos are there.  The Gecko brothers move to the back of the store  taking two women hostage in the hope that the sheriff will leave without noticing them.  As in the film Richie Gecko starts a gun fight when he believes that the store owner is trying to pass a hidden message to the sheriff, unlike the film he is also having visions of the two hostages being some kind of monsters who are trying to trick him.  The Geckos escape and the sheriffs partner, Freddie Gonzalez sets out after them.

Episode 2 is a mix of flashbacks to the bank robbery and the Geckos getaway from the liquor store and the introduction of the Fuller family which consists of Jacob, the dad who is a preacher, his daughter Kate and his adopted son Scott.  The second episode is used to fill in some of the back story on the Geckos and show how Richie’s visions are affecting him.  It is also used to develop some the other characters,  we see how Freddie Gonzalez is tracking the Geckos and that Richie may be responsible for some crimes that Seth does not know about.

We are also shown the family dynamics of the Fuller’s and a bit of an explanation of why the two children are going along with their fathers trip even if they do not fully agree with it.

One other character who is present in the first episode and expanded on in the second is Carlos who in both the film and the series is contact that is arranging the Geckos safe haven once they  reach Mexico.  Carlos is a very different character in the series and it looks like he is going to play a much larger role in the series than the film.  The main points of episode 2 seemed to be the development of Carlos and to give more of an insight to Ritchie’s visions/mental issues.  We also see our first vampire.

I’m trying to decide whether seeing the films is going to be detrimental to watching the series.  I can’t help but compare the two.  The changes made to  the character of Carlos and the fact that Ritchie is hearing more that just perverted thoughts show that the show is taking a more supernatural direction than the film and it is this that may ruin the series for fans of the film. I think that  the fact that the vampires are appearing before any of the cast get to the ‘Titty twister’ will help the flow of the series as the film was definitely a film of 2 half’s starting as a gangsta road movie and then changing to a vampire movie halfway through, i know that this tactic is part of what made the film so good but i also know of people who were confused or put off by it and i think that, if the series went down the same path it may cause more confusion because the change would either have to happen part way through an episode, making it hard to follow if you miss it or it would have to change at the end/beginning of an episode meaning that people may think they have missed something.

Over all the series is looking good, it is staying close enough to the film for the fans to recognize the story they like but changing enough to open the series up to more than one story.  It will remain to be seen if the more supernatural aspect will negatively affect the series in any way but for now I will keep watching.

Bathory, Countess of Blood (2011)

Title - Bathory, Countess of Blood
Director - Juraj Jakubisko
Language - English
Genre - Gothic, Biography



"Marriage is a beauty and love is a sin" Elizabeth's Mother









Elizabeth Bathory has become as much a part of the Vampire myth as Vlad the Impaler.  Elizabeth was a Hungarian countess who live in the late 16th/early 17 century and she ruled her court in the absence and then after her husbands death, during her life there were a number of strange death's that were rumored to be Elizabeth's doing, these led to rumors that Elizabeth was bathing in the blood of her maid's.  It was also rumored that Elizabeth never aged, the legends end with Elizabeth being bricked up in her own palace, when the bricks were removed it is said that there was no body.  It is also said that Elizabeth is in the Guinness book of Records as the most prolific murderess.

Bathory, the film is a fictional biography of Elizabeth  Bathory with a twist, I can't say to much with out giving away spoilers but I'll give the review with out giving to much away.

As I've said Bathory is a fictional biography about the life of Elizabeth Bathory, it is split into three parts, each representing one of the three people who influenced or directed her life, these are:
Part 1 - Ferenc, Elizabeth's huband
Part 2 - Darvulia, A healer/witch who helps and advises Bathory
Part 3 - Thurzo, a Lord who is after Bathory and her land after the death of her husband.


The film is narrated by a monk who spends the majority of the film watching the events in Bathory's court and reporting her actions to the Catholic church.  Although he he does play a more important role in the final part of the film I found his narration at the beginning a bit annoying

Part one follows on the early life of Elizabeth from the arranged marriage to Ferenc to her accidental poisoning (more on this later).  It sets the mood of the film by showing Elizabeth & Fenric happy and then the loneliness as Elizabeth holds the court together and tries to protect the women of the court from the lords of the court whilst her husband is at war, to help run the court Elizabeth has to project a strong ruthless visage which means that most people are scared of her which only aids the loneliness she feels.  Elizabeth strikes up a friendship with an artist who was captures by Ferenc and given to Elizabeth to paint her portraits.  During the time Elizabeth spends with the artist she reviles that she has been acting as a nurse, healing people from the court with herbs and medicines in way's that some would class as witchcraft, she also reveals that she has an unknown disease that can, at times debilitate her.  In return the artist reveals that he is great Italian painter Caravaggio who was captured whilst fleeing Italy after killing a man.  Part 1 comes to an end when Ferenc returns from battle and is told that Elizabeth & Caravaggio are having an affair, Ferenc attempts to poison Caravaggio but Elizbeth is poisoned instead.

Part 2 started when Ferenc summons Darvulia to cure Elizabeth form the poison meant for Caravaggio.  Darvulia is a witch with the power of premonition and she tell's Elizabeth that she can help her with the other illness she suffers from, she gives Elizabeth a medical drink that does stop the symptoms of the illness and Elizabeth keeps Darvulia as an adviser.  through out the second part body's of women from the court start to appear and Elizabeth is seen bathing in a red liquid.  Caravaggio is also imprisoned at the beginning of the second part but is helped to escape.  At the end of the second part Ferenc dies.

Part 3 Focus' on the plans of Thurzo who is a lord that we have met earlier in the film, after Ferenc's death he is attempting to blackmail Elizabeth into marring him promising her protection, Elizabeth instead turns to her other relative in Transilvaina.  Throughout the third part there are more bodies found and a number of maids disappear.  The strain of running the court and defending her self from the accusations of witch craft and the plots of Thurzo take a strain on Elizabeth causing the to hallucinate this is made worse at the end of part two and the beginning of part three when she believes the has been betrayed by Darvulia.
There is a small reprieve for Elizabeth when she goes to Italy with other members of her family and is reunited for a short time with Caravaggio. the reprieve is short lived as Thurzo increases his threats against her and, not long after she returns from Italy Elizabeth is informed of Caravaggio's death.

There is not much more I can say about the plot with out giving away some of the plot twists, some of which are more surprising if you already have knowledge of the Bathory legends.

Bathory is an interesting take on the life of Elizabeth Bathory and is a good film, I would advise that you stick with the annoyance of the monk as he does play a small but important part at the end of the film.
The story is good and it is interesting on how it focus' on the people who influence Elizabeth's life and lead to the legend that is Elizabeth Bathory, the Countess of Blood